Bill to be signed immediately by President Bush

WASHINGTON, DC ( an epidemic on its hands, the Congress passed a bill limiting one tattoo and one piercing per person with immediate effect.

In addition, tattoos will be standardized and approved beforehand by a group of religious leaders. Piercings will be visible on morally acceptable body parts, such as a hand or a toe. Tongue, nipple, brow, chin and otherwise all piercings in questionable places will be illegal.

US Surgeon General Richard Carmona, who had warned the public for months, said: "I knew things were getting out of hand when my six-year-old son came home one day, drunk as a skunk, with a big tattoo reading 'I love mom' on his chest.'" Asked whether he would have reacted as strongly had it read, 'I love dad,' the Surgeon General admitted he may not have taken as strong a stance, but would probably have disapproved nonetheless.

For months now, members of Congress had been pressured heavily by the likes of Gordon R. England, Secretary of the Navy, who stated unequivocally that tattoos had been the domain of sailors for generations, and that he saw no reason why that should change.

"When young girls started getting tattoos above their…little behinds, and then wearing those low, low pants, so, so low"-the Secretary seemed to be perspiring heavily and a bit wobbly at this point and had to be held up by an assistant-"well, I just didn't think it was right."

President Bush had a bit of a personal dilemma on his hands, however. His mother, Barbara Bush, admitted mischievously on 60 Minutes the week before that she has three tattoos and four piercings, all in "private places," and that her husband goes absolutely wild for them.

As for her son, she said: "Don't mind him--he can be a bit of a prude."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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