NAURU DECLARES WAR ON THE US
"Since then, not a whimper," admitted a dejected Ludwig Scotty, President of Nauru. "We thought we'd make a mention, no matter how small, on CNN--but nothing. Heck, even the Nauru Monsoon Tribune ignored it."
President Ludwig won election in May 2003 with the theme, "Let's Take the World by Storm." At the time, he had not detailed his plans, but promised the nation of nearly 13,000 inhabitants a place in the sun.
"Of course, I meant that figuratively, not literally," he explained.
A month later, he declared war. When the declaration merited not a word in the world's media, the President's ruling party decided to try their hand at homegrown terrorism.
"Why not?" the President said. "Everyone else is doing it. Besides, our only product is phosphate-even drinking water we import from Australia--so it made sense."
Early results were not encouraging, however. Kinza Aroi, a member of the President's party, in an attempt to show support, attempted in vain to blow up his neighbor's house.
"If it had worked, then we'd have blown up our parliamentary building, but I just didn't know how to do it. I tried some things I learned in chemistry, but nothing exploded and I got a terrible cough from the chemicals," admitted Aroi.
Later, Aroi tried tying explosives around his waist.
"I didn't like that, either," he said. "I mean, geez, I could have exploded. I just didn't like the feeling of it. It made me damn nervous. You know--one false step and…kaboom. I don't care how many virgins might be waiting for me in heaven. Besides, between you and me--and don't tell my wife--I've been with a virgin or two, and I don't know what the big deal's all about. Frankly, I prefer more experienced women."
However, at long last, the campaign seems to be gaining ground.
When informed of Nauru's declaration of war, President Bush said: "To be honest, I never heard of the place, but if they have weapons of mass destruction, and I've been well informed that they very well might-I mean, they certainly have the know-how and expertise--then we'll take them out."
A jubilant President Scotty beamed: "Finally, now we're getting somewhere."
Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw
TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.
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