Whiff of a moustache enough to merit a declaration of war

by Ed Strosser, TheShortStraw Brooklyn Correspondent

WASHINGTON, DC ( US State Department papers recently accessed through the Freedom of Information Act reveal that the deciding criteria for invasion of foreign countries since 1917 has been facial hair or unusual hairstyles of the dictator. In most cases, mere presence of a moustache provided enough justification for invasion; in others, baldness or bad skin merited a declaration of war, or at least executive orders authorizing ground troops.

Conversely, clean-shaven dictators have avoided invasion.

A review of foreign invasions, by dictators, with relevant State Department comments, sheds further information:

Kaiser Wilhelm, Germany - "The goofy uniform is so over the top you almost don't notice the bayonet moustache. But if we stop him now we won't have to worry about the Germans anymore."

Lenin, Russia - "We knew his beef with the Kaiser was too good to be true."

Hitler, Germany - "We don't care how small or neatly trimmed, that's a moustache and it's driving everybody nuts."
Mussolini, Italy - "Tries to hide it with hats, but he's shaven as bald as a baby's bottom under there. It's just too damn weird."
Tojo, Japan - "Practically bald. But with those glasses? Then the moustache? That's it, he's outta there."
Fidel Castro, Cuba - "We know we're not supposed to do this, but we got some guys who want to give it a shot. It will be worth it if we don't have to look at him for another fifty years."
Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam - "Those chin-stragglers will put me in a B-52 before the end of the week!"
Manuel Noriega, Panama - "Everyone knows if he didn't have terrible acne he'd have a beard."
Taliban, Afghanistan -"Who're they kidding? The whiskers on those guys are fire hazards! And what they did to that statue? It's a no-brainer."
Saddam Hussein, Iraq - "Not just Saddam, but every single one of his guys has the exact same big, fat, black moustache. This will not stand."

Clean-shaven dictators have generally been able to avoid invasion:
Chairman Mao, China - "Seems like a nice guy; I don't think we can really blame the whole Korea thing on him at all."
Kim Jong Il, Korea - "He's cool, we should stop bugging him."
Slobodan Milosevic, Yugoslavia - "Not a bad dude, his place in Belgrade is super spiffy."
Nikita Kruschev, Russia - "Everyone really admired the shoe thing in the UN, but of course no one could say it."

Notable exceptions:
Alfredo Stroessner, Paraguay - "No one wants to invade South America; just can't get anyone excited about it. Total non-starter."
Stalin, Russia - "This Hitler gig really has us in a bind. If we take Uncle Joe down now, everyone's gonna know it's all to do with the 'stache."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw

TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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