I can satisfy any woman in any way--a common boast

TRIESTE, ITALY ( poll of Italian men by the Il Piccolo newspaper has shown what many Italian men already knew: they are far and away the world's best lovers.

Sitting around a bar at the Starhotel Savoia Excelsior in Trieste, TheShortStraw interviewed a random sample of Italian men that had partaken in the poll.

Roberto Tognolini, a truck driver from Palermo, expressed absolutely no surprise at the findings. "Not only are Italian men the best, but of them, I happen to be the best lover. I have satisfied every woman I've ever been with in every way possible. I can perform any position for as long as I want. Of my own inventions, my personal favorites are the 'upside down wheelbarrow' and the 'hunky monkey.' I make the Kama Sutra look like child's play. I also regularly make love for thirty-eight hours, non-stop," he said. "No viagra, nothing. Just a good pasta diet."

A collector of exotic butterflies, Alfredo de Sgnoccie voiced his sentiments. "Now, now, Roberto. I beg to differ. I made love to three Swedish eighteen-year-olds one night. Although I took it easy on them, they couldn't walk for three days. I am so legendary that women come up to me on the street asking me to take them home. I am so busy I turn most of them away. That makes me the best."

"That's nothing," said the baker Vitale Sacratini dismissively. "My personal best is six straight days, no breaks, not even to the restroom or for a glass of water. Also, I was with five Thai girls one time who to this day send me greeting cards asking when I plan to return. Which means I am the best. "

Amadeo Putignani, a dentist from Como, not to be outdone, gave his own version. "I give multiple orgasms on demand. However many a woman wants, that's what I give her. Sometimes a woman has an orgasm just being in my presence. Once, when I drilled a woman's teeth, she was reeling with ecstasy. 'Keep drilling,' she was screaming."

Although in agreement that Italian men are the world's best lovers, they did not agree who amongst them was the best. As the exchanges grew more heated and finally violent, TheShortStraw correspondent was fortunate to sneak off quietly and unharmed.

Later, in an anonymous phone call to TheShortStraw, one of the wives said her husband was "okay," but that she had several Asian lovers on the side "just in case."

"The Asian men," she crooned, "are so nimble and exotic and gentle. And just a tad bit more discreet."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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