At last we have something in common, says a Rabbi

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL ( a shocking announcement in the Sabbath Times, Rabbi Yehuda Ascherman admitted that most Orthodox Jews wear fake beards.

"To be honest," the Rabbi said, "I had no choice. My wife told me, either you shave off that damn thing, or you sleep on your own."

Mrs Ascherman explained: "One day I saw some things crawling in there, and I thought, oh no, my friend, enough is enough, it's time for a little spring cleaning. I gave him an ultimatum, and he decided wisely."

Since that day, Rabbi Ascherman explained he glues on a beard each morning and takes it off at night. "It's kind of like a clip-on tie, I guess," he said.

His wife added: "I like my man clean-shaven, hygienic. Whew, you should have seen the stuff in there! And when he ate! Good Lord. Watching him eat soup was especially painful."

Rabbi Ascherman exposed a well-kept secret: the existence of specialty stores in cities such as New York, Tel Aviv, and Antwerp that cater to his needs.

"They're stores like any other except they specialize in fake beards. You can choose any beard you want. I've got a whole collection. One day I might wear a red one, next day black. Another day, one with streaks. Sometimes I'll wear a funky goatee. I've come to like it, and my wife loves it. More than anything else, it's really like a fashion accessory."

As the news spread, it appears Orthodox Jews are not alone. Sheik Abdul-Aziz Khaleel admitted he too wears a glue-on. Like the Rabbi, it was the Sheik's wife that made the decision for him.

Both the Rabbi and the Sheik estimate that 98% of the beards of followers of their respective religions are glue-ons.

The news has had another unexpected result: the two said they might get together to discuss other things they may have in common.

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


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