HELDEGUND WELCOMED BACK WITH OPEN ARMS
"I couldn't be happier," said a beaming Heldegund at a news conference. "This just goes to prove that there is justice in this world."
His mother, Linda Heldegund, who harshly criticized her son after his resignation, calling him a "liar," said she was sorry about her comments. "Brian has always been a good boy. It's true he never met Mao at our house, but we have Elvis over frequently, and Brian is a good friend of his."
Rupert Murdoch, who in addition to TheShortStraw also owns the Mirror and Rupert's Fine Knickers Strip Club (Sydney); the News of the World, the Sun, Rupert's Haberdashery, the Times and Sunday Times (London); the New York Post; Rupert's Knickknacks, 20th Century Fox and Fox TV (Hollywood); Rupert's Lingerie and Used Tyres, BskyB satellite channel (Britain); Rupert's You So Horny, Baby Bar and Grill, Star Television (Asia); said Heldegund was simply too important within his organization, and that indeed he, Murdoch, demanded fiction from all his reporters as long as it was for the right cause.
Said Heldegund: "Rupert knows what he's doing. I am the most talented reporter of my generation. I have interviewed John Doe (for which he won the Pulitzer Prize in 2001), the Unknown Soldier and Batman. I have taken part in interplanetary travel. I have four PhDs and am fluent in seventy-six languages, including Swahili and Aramaic-albeit with a Cherokee accent. Among my very good friends, I count Tom Cruise, (French President) Jacques Chirac and Mickey Mouse."
"Brian and I go way back," echoed Murdoch. "I met him in the trenches in France in WWI. We were neck deep in mustard gas without masks or hotdogs. The enemy was all over. We heard German spoken-unfortunately German isn't one of the languages Brian speaks. It was then I saved his life, not once but six times, all within ten minutes. It was the same day I infiltrated enemy lines and single-handedly captured Berlin. We met up again later, when we discovered the cure for lisps and foot odor. Then we went into the news business."
TheShortStraw editor-in-chief, Jack Zippididoodaa*, resigned in protest. He said he would replace Heldegund as an elementary school teacher in an undisclosed location.
"There's no point in moving to another news organization," he said. "Rupert will buy it sooner or later."
*still not his real name
Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw
TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.
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