IN A SHOCKING MOVE, WARREN BUFFET GIVES EVERYTHING AWAY, CLOSES COMPANY
Initially a fund, Berkshire Hathaway until yesterday employed close to 50,000 employees.
"Believe me, it's for their own good. They should go out and do something fun, like, um, I don't know-windsurfing maybe, or learning a new language," Buffet said of his newly unemployed work force.
"I just got tired of the whole thing. I've always wanted to paint," he explained while sipping absinthe. "Flowers, pigeons, whatever. That's what I plan to do now full-time. I'm thinking of moving to Tahiti, becoming the next Gaugin. Although my style, frankly, is more like CÚzanne, but I like the outdoors. I love the light, I can work with it. Also, I think I have a real knack for painting young naked Polynesian girls. It just gives me the kind of thrill that business no longer does. How could it? I mean, all day long I was with shareholders, bankers, business people, and they are just so damn drab and grey and boring. God, it was killing me. The fake smiles, shaking sweaty hands, the whole thing just disgusted me."
Mr Buffet made the announcement with his wife. Smiling and looking relaxed until the mention of young naked Polynesian girls, Mrs Buffet suddenly grew withdrawn and surly. "I think he should stick to flowers and pigeons," she later said critically.
Shareholders were up in arms. Freddie Little III of Iowa City said: "This is outrageous, that son of a b---- gave away ten billion of my dollars. I don't care about his damn charities. I'm not interested in curing cancer or feeding children, I want returns on my investments. Who the hell does he think he is? And what the hell is he even talking about? What's a Googane? He's gone bonkers, if you ask me. Dementia, I guess."
Mr Little III was by no means alone. All of the Berkshire Hathaway Inc shareholders interviewed by TheShortStraw voiced similar sentiments. Mr Buffet says he's even received death threats by the thousands.
"The sooner I get to Tahiti, the better," Buffet, a man in his seventies, said. "It's now or never. My painting's maturing, my style's really developing."
Asked what the investors should do, Buffet, appearing ever more relaxed after his third glass of absinthe, said, "Those guys should just learn to relax. And you know what? If they can't, then they can all kiss my a--. I'm a painter now, and I can do whatever I damn well please."
Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw
TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.
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