Cheney's confession breeds panic in White House

WASHINGTON, DC ( light of Vice President Cheney's confession that he wears women's clothing-- in particular thongs--and no underwear during visits of Heads of State, President Bush attempted to quell the troubled waters by offering the Vice Presidential post to legendary TheShortStraw reporter Brian Heldegund.

Political analysts were bewildered at first, saying Heldegund had no political experience.

Heldegund refuted such claims, however, saying he'd been class treasurer in the ninth grade and, another time, seen the Presidential motorcade on TV.

In addition, in a recent Gallup poll, Heldegund showed a 95% international name recognition, as well as a 92% approval rating, plus or minus 98%. In parts of China, he was more recognized than Pecking duck.

But some said the move to replace Cheney might not be enough.

Complicating matters was the Vice President's admission that he's not the only one in the White House to wear women's clothing or no underwear.

"Don't look at me," said the President at a hurriedly called press conference. "I'm wearing underwear, it's men's underwear, and I can prove it."

He then proceeded to undo his pants. Amid gasps, a female reporter from the Wall Street Journal passed out.

"It wasn't that he undid his pants," she later said, "it was the old-fashioned underwear. Gave me hell of a fright. My ex-husband used to have a similar pair."

Laura Bush came immediately to her husband's aid. Said the First Lady: "I've never seen my husband wearing one of my dresses."

Reporters wondered whether she'd seen the President wearing a dress of his own, or, perhaps, someone else's dress.

The denials hardly quieted the storm.

By all accounts, things had gotten out of hand at the White House. One aide recalled a meeting where both Cheney and another high ranking official-he wouldn't elaborate other than to say the person was a former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff-arrived wearing knee-length summer dresses.

Pandemonium ensued when Condolizza Rice arrived wearing the same dress.

Ms Rice apparently threw a temper tantrum, crying she'd spent a lot of money on the dress, could not focus under such conditions, and would resign if anyone again wore the same outfit.

As for Heldegund, he could hardly believe his continued good fortune.

Forced to resign from TheShortStraw just over a week ago for fabricating stories, he was brought back with great fanfare by TheShortStraw majority shareholder, Rupert Murdoch. It was Murdoch, hardly new to the art of influencing political races including the President's past election, who suggested Heldegund replace Cheney.

The news, however, seems to have gone to Heldegund's head.

Back from a fishing trip with the President, he threw a wrench into the works. Although flattered by the offer, he said he had "another" position in mind, clearly suggesting the Presidency.

There could be more to the story, however. Witnesses said they saw a scuffle; then the President fell overboard. One witness said he "may have been pushed, and then briefly held underwater."

“He was trying to take credit for a fish I caught. Then we tussled a bit, and he fell overboard,” said Heldegund. “I reached over and pulled him back in. It’s true I hesitated, but only because I didn’t want to lose my camera and hat.”

The White House would only say that the President would never go fishing with Heldegund again.

"That guy's a loose cannon," said Ari Fleischer, the White House Press Secretary. "In fact, the President now regrets having suggested he replace Cheney, let alone gone fishing with him. He often goes on such trips with special friends, such as (Israeli Prime Minister) Ariel Sharon, who we all know is an avid grenade fisherman, and he's never fallen in before."

Should Heldegund run for President, experts say his chances are promising. In a recent TheShortStraw poll, voters agreed.

Betty Meyers, a retired postal worker from Cloverdale, Ohio, sporting a "Heldegund for President" pin, said: "I've been a huge fan of Brian's ever since his early days as a reporter for our little newspaper (the Cloverdale Village Daily, circ. 23). You bet I'll vote for him. Underwear or no underwear. Besides, I just love that little hat he always wears, it's just so darn cute. And it makes him look so Presidential."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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