Medical potential may surpass cancer and diarrhoea

By Shuasaku Gilmore, TheShortStraw medical correspondent

SEATTLE, WA ( years of research, Doctor Andres Munk of Seattle, Washington, announced the cure for dingleberries, known medically as rectus hangersonus. Dingleberries are little balls of paper and other mysterious matter that attach themselves to the hairs between buttocks. They afflict daily millions of men and a few unlucky women throughout the world.

"I used to suffer from them constantly," Dr Munk said, explaining what had attracted him to this particular field of research. "Already as a teenager, playing sports was terribly uncomfortable. Other kids used to taunt me afterwards in the locker room. 'Dingleberry Andres,' they used to call me. It was awful. It was much later, after joining DA (Dingleberries Anonymous) that I learned I was by no means the only one to suffer from this cruel and terrible affliction. Now, people come up to me on the street, send me letters, thanking me for the courage to come forward publicly. And of course, with the cure, I've been bowled over by the response."

His brothers, Peter and Jens, recalled vividly Andres' bouts with dingleberries.

Said Jens: "I feel a bit guilty now. I think I may have been the first one to call him 'Dingleberry Andres,' and it stuck- no pun intended."

"Thankfully, it's not hereditary," said Peter from his Akron, Ohio, home. "I've only got a minor case of gout. Dingleberries isn't something I've ever suffered from."

In the last few days, Dr Munk has been making rounds on the TV circuit- albeit sitting in the shadows; he says he doesn't mind using his real name, but doesn't want his face made public in case he ever feels lonely on a business trip- including stints on David Letterman, Jay Leno and Larry King.

King only agreed to the taping after being assured dingleberries were not in any way contagious.

"I was, uh, only concerned for my audience," King explained.

The cure announcement first spread like wildfire throughout the pharmaceutical industry. Addressing the annual meeting of the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA), Miles D. White, President and CEO of Abbott Laboratories and PhRMA Chairman, said had the cure been for cancer, it could not have been of greater significance.

"No question about it," White said. "This is the most important medical breakthrough I've seen in a long time. Men have suffered from this awful, awful condition since the discovery of papyrus. More recently unearthed records show nasty afflictions among the Egyptians. After years of speculation, a newfound mummy, for example, was shown to be a dingleberry sufferer. I myself have never suffered from it, but my uncle did, and I know how devastating an effect it can have on the sufferers and their families."

Already lining up at the door of Dr Munk are pharmaceutical companies such as Pfizer, AstraZeneca International, and Eli Lilly.

Dr Munk said he didn't do it for the money, but now that a battle has ensued for his patent, he's not displeased with the increasingly heated bidding.

Asked what he would do with the profits, he said to Larry King, "Larry, absolutely nothing. I'll be the same guy I've always been-except without the berries." King nodded knowingly in response.

Milton Singleton, a longtime sufferer of dingleberries and an old acquaintance of Dr Munk's (they first met at a DA meeting over twenty years ago), expressed the sentiment of countless men the world over: "That guy's my hero."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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