Court decides primaries and election waste of time and money

WASHINGTON, DC. (—In UNITED STATES VS EVERYBODY, the Supreme Court in one fell swoop halted the Democratic Primaries, making John Kerry the Democratic candidate, only to declare George W. Bush re-elected to a second term.

“I didn’t know what was happening. I was elated to have been declared the official candidate, and before I had time to even select a Vice-President, I learned that Bush had won again,” said a visibly disappointed John Kerry.

On the White House lawn, a smiling President Bush declared: “This isn’t really much of a surprise. I’m a big fan of the Supreme Court. Those guys—uh, and women—know what they’re doing. Clearly they know I’m the best guy for the job. Heck, I’ve proven that. I’m a wartime President, everybody knows that and everybody knows what that means.”

Asked what it did mean, the President added: “Well, you know what it means. Everybody does.”

Chief Justice William “Hubby” Rehnquist said the decision had been facile: “It’s just much easier this way. Too much time and money goes into the elections. There’s much mudslinging and nastiness. People get confused. This way, the process is clean and transparent. Everyone knows what’s going on and why.”

On the street, hardly anyone noticed. When interviewed by TheShortStraw, passers-by on Pennsylvania Avenue were mostly indifferent to the news; still others agreed with the Supreme Court.

Said Beth Higginbottom, a tourist from Wyoming: “I think it’s the right decision. That Chief guy is right: I always get confused by the elections. There’s too many candidates and they stand for too many issues. I liked Bush last time. He didn’t know more than I do, and he stood for nothing. It just made a lot of sense to vote for him. He reminds me of my Uncle Timmy.”

Ruth Ginsberg, one of the dissenting Justices, said the whole thing was a “farce.”

In response, Chief Justice Rehnquist said: “I don’t know what she’s so upset about. If she’s so unhappy, she can resign. The fewer Justices the better, as far as I’m concerned. You really just need one guy here, in my opinion. Too many Justices also isn’t a good thing. I’m a wartime Chief Justice, and I can run this show on my own.”

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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