RICKY MARTIN PONDERS COMING OUT OF CLOSET
Martin, for now, will only say that he remains in the closet, firmly entrenched.
"The thing is, I like it in here. It's not one of those old antique closets--yuko--but a new one, spacious, with lots of hanging space for clothes and…stuff," Martin said, seemingly relaxed at the bottom of the closet, wearing black and white chequered pyjama bottoms and a white chef's top, spotted with controversial cream sauce and belonging, it is rumoured, to Jamie Oliver, the chef and TV personality.
Oliver immediately issued a statement saying the top may be his, but that the sauce is White Clam.
"Jamie is not camp. The modern man can love to cook, and even sew, decorate the house and wear women's shoes without being gay," the statement read in part.
Martin says he and Oliver are 'friends' but that he is willing to have the cream sauce DNA-tested should it come to that. Confusing the issue, however, are Martin's claims that should it be Oliver's White Clam sauce, it would "prove nothing, neither about my sexuality, nor about Jamie's culinary skills."
Born in Puerto Rico, Martin sings songs such as "Livin' La Vida Loca", "She Bangs", and the duet with Elton John, "So What If I got a Red Dress, Baby?"
Martin first came to fame with the Latin boy group Menudo, then went on to star on the soap General Hospital, before making it big with his fourth album, Vuelve, released in 1998.
Ever since, the public has long wondered if Martin was "in the closet" and, if so, when he planned to come out.
Dr Andres Munk, the expert on dingleberries, closet claustrophobia and other unusual matters, said that if Martin does come out of the closet, his response will be, "Who invited him?"
Vice President Dick Cheney, who himself recently confessed to being a cross-dresser, admitted over the weekend to being a "huge" Ricky Martin fan, and to having seen him in concert twenty-six times. Added Cheney: "I'd love to be a groupie. I think being backstage with Ricky--just the two of us--would be really wild."
Recently, Martin refused the advances of Carmen Electra, fuelling speculation that he was not only going to come out of the closet, but, indeed, leap out with a vengeance.
Elton John came quickly to his friend's defense. "I also refused the advances of Carmen--not once but six times," he said.
Carmen acknowledged having put the moves on both John and Martin, saying there's no shame in trying. "I'd hit on a turtle if I had half a chance," she said.
The following day, alarmed, all the zoos in California closed down for a day.
For his part, and confusing the issue further, Martin admitted that as a boy he played with GI Joe and Barbie dolls. In addition, he played soccer, but also enjoyed wearing a tutu that his mother made for him for his seventeenth birthday.
To this day his mother remains his best friend and together they often shop for jewellery and garter belts.
"What's wrong with that?" Martin asked. " I still wear my tutu occasionally for parties. My friends love it--and so does my mom."
Martin did admit, however, that the persistent rumors of his being in the closet have taken a toll.
"I don't see what the big deal is," he said. "I think I may just stay in here for good. Why not? It's like Woody Allen said, 'It's better to be bi-sexual on a Saturday night, you increase your chances a 100 percent.'"
Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw
TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.
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