Penalty missed on purpose, English Captain confesses

Lisbon, Portugal ( David Beckham, the English captain, has admitted what many an English fan already suspected: during the France-England match Sunday night he missed the penalty kick on purpose. Reason being? He has a love affair for all things French, and specifically a tender spot for the French girl that deflowered him.

The news caused riots in many parts of England. In Liverpool, five thousand fans were arrested after sinking a French cargo ship, leaving the harbor littered with brie and berets.

In London, another twelve thousand hooligans were incarcerated after tipping over Big Ben.

Beckham asked the fans for forgiveness, but explained the fault lay with French culture, and, more importantly, a girl named Monique. He thought most men would understand, he added.

"It's going to sound like a stereotype, but it started when I was a little boy, and we used to go with my family to the South of France," Beckham said. "Already then I had a weakness for French lingerie."

Then he added more solemnly: "I lost my virginity to a girl named Monique in Perpignan when I was fourteen. In the heat of the moment she made me promise that if I ever became a football star I would always throw the game if we played the French. Of course I said yes. It was the heat of the moment for God's sake. I was on the threshold of Nirvana. Monique, my God, even now when I think of it…ah, nevermind. I would have promised her Buckingham Palace if she'd asked. How should I have known I'd be playing for the national team one day? It was only a dream. But a promise is a promise. If you're reading this somewhere now, Monique, just know I still long for you. God, the way you moved your hips, the way you swivelled. If only Posh could move like that."

Beckham then explained how he "missed" the penalty. He said he and the French goalkeeper, Fabian Barthez, had an agreement already from the Frenchman's days at Manchester United. Beckham would stare at the chosen corner and Barthez would make the save.

"Fabian always makes it more dramatic than it has to be, but that's the French for you," Beckham added.

Barthez admitted to the ploy, but said it was still a great save. "Sure he gave away the corner, but I still had to dive and knock the ball out. It's not that easy. Believe me. Maybe it looks easy on TV, but it's a lot harder than it looks. Also-what if I had botched it up? What if David looked left, and I dove right? These things happen. I'm a soccer player, not a nuclear scientist."

EUFA president Lennart Johansson said he's not sure either player can be penalized.

"There's nothing in the rule book about throwing a game because you lost your virginity to a girl from the opposing nation. It's not like accepting a bribe. We're talking about emotions here, and a beautiful sexual act from one's youth. I remember losing my virginity to an Italian girl. My goodness. I just thank my lucky stars I'm not a football player representing my country. I have a bad feeling I'd have done the same as David. Even now, I admit it, I am trying to change tradition and assign Pierluigi Collina, the renowned Italian referee, to officiate Italy's games. And believe me, it's not on account of his looks."

England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson confessed that at first he was upset with Beckham, but then his player showed him a photo of a topless Monique. "I'd throw away the whole tournament," Eriksson said, "to have lost my virginity to a girl like that."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


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