One question too many lands TheShortStraw reporter in hospital

by Hush LaCroix, TheShortStraw White House correspondent

( news conference turned nasty when Bush spokesman Dan Bartlett told the White House press corps that the movie Shrek Fahrenheit 2 was "outrageously false" -- although he hadn't seen it.

When advised he referred to two movies--Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 and Schrek 2--Bartlett appeared startled.

"What do you mean, two movies? How can one movie be two?" Bartlett said. "It's a documentary about some ogre--which isn't possible, because ogres don't exist--and a donkey. And the insinuations are obvious. Everyone knows that Shrek is supposed to be the President--he's been crying about it for days, shame on you--the donkey is the Vice President--he's tough so he's been unaffected by it, luckily--and Powell is Princess Fiona--which I find a very low blow."

Bartlett rolled his eyes, exasperated, when told again of his reference to two movies, not one: Shrek 2, a sequel; and Fahrenheit 9/11.

After a few silent minutes, he said: "You trying to make a fool out of me? What do you know about movies anyway? Acting all high and mighty. You're talking crap. I mean, how can Shrek 2 be a sequel? Sequel to what, Godfather? Star Wars? Gimme a break. And the other one? What did you call it? Fahrenheit 9/11? You saying there's been 8 Fahrenheit movies, and this one is parts 9 through 11? Yeah, right, that makes a lot of sense--you guys really think everyone in this administration is completely stupid."

Unabated, another reporter once again patiently attempted to set Mr Bartlett straight.

"Oh, ok, I get it, " Bartlett finally said, annoyed. "You mean, they are two different movies. Why didn't you say so in the first place? Fahrenheit is some Disney animation, and Shrek 2 is a documentary. I'm still not convinced, but, anyway, so what? What does that prove? Nothing. They're still outrageously false. Two movies, three movies, one movie, who gives a damn. Movies are like books: you don't need to read a book to know what it's about, and the same goes for movies. I mean, heck, I got through college without ever opening a textbook. I won't dignify this movie-these two movies-uh, whatever…"

Asked why the President was upset about being compared to a lovable ogre, Bartlett flew into a rage.

"I told you already--if ogres don't exist how can you have a documentary about them?! It's like making a documentary about the fairy godmother, for Chrissake."

The press corps, however, would not relent. When informed Shrek 2 was an animation about an ogre, Bartlett threw a glass of water and stormed out, causing cuts to the right cheek of TheShortStraw White House correspondent who had been sleeping off a hangover.

After the glass-throwing incident there were no more questions.

Finally, donkey, Shrek's official spokesman, said that Shrek was alarmed and unpleasantly surprised to hear of any perceived similarities between himself and the President, and that, "any resemblance to that fictional character is regrettable and purely coincidental."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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