TARGETED BY WORLD POLITICAL AND BUSINESS LEADERS
Arts editor, hit by vicious spitball, recovering in hospital
By Hansen Pockets,
TheShortStraw crime correspondent and doughnut boy
DALLAS, TX (TheShortStraw.com)--Finally back after a several-week hiatus,
the editors of TheShortStraw revealed a sinister plot to silence
Brian Heldegund, the editor-in-chief, hiding at an undisclosed location
at 253 Sycamore St in Dallas, said by telephone that Russian President
Vladimir Putin, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, and communications
magnate Rupert Murdoch--amongst others--were the despotic culprits attempting
to silence TheShortStraw.
"Listen, I'm not really hiding. Bravery's my middle name. It's just that
I don't enjoy the sunlight; it's unhealthy, skin cancer and all that.
But let it be said that besides Murdoch, Mugabe and Putin, others may
be involved," Heldegund said. "The usual culprits, I've been told--Jiang
Zemin, Kim Jong-il, Castro, Ghaddafi, Dick Cheney--you get the picture."
Added Heldegund: "What's really weird though, is that we haven't even
published anything about Zemin, Kim, Putin or Mugabe. That just goes to
show you the power of the Straw. People high up fear it even
before we write anything about them. Well, in this case, I think it's
high time we do. Already, Anne Yewelent, our resorts and bath house correspondent,
is writing an expose of a secret trip to a San Francisco bath house by
Mugabe, Murdoch and Kim in early April."
More puzzling still, admitted Heldegund, is that Murdoch, TheShortStraw's
majority shareholder, tried to silence his own publication.
"That's not so difficult to understand," explained Murdoch's
secretary, Jenny Friedman, speaking anonymously. "Rupert felt slighted
by an article or three, and he didn't like it one bit. He confided to
me in his office one day early in the morning after a few drinks--just
the two of us, me in a mini skirt, he vigorous and virile if goofing looking--that
he didn't understand this whole satire thing. He
told me: 'What the hell's so funny about it? I don't get it.'
He doesn't know when to laugh. He says he needs a laugh track to go with
it, like in sitcoms. It's terribly frustrating for him. He's sorry he
got involved in it at all, and now, he says, he'll do anything--anything--to
shut it down, including--don't quote me on this--knocking Heldegund and
Du Toit (TheShortStraw arts editor) off."
Heldegund is in hiding--no matter what he says--because Du Toit has already
been physically attacked by the powerful trio.
"It was one dark night,"
Du Toit reminisced from St. Joe's Hospital for the Lethargic, "and I was
watching TV when I heard a noise outside the window, and there's Putin,
the son of a b----, standing on Mugabe's shoulders, and he's got a straw
and his cheeks are blown up like a trumpet player's and I saw the spitball
coming straight for my face. Luckily, at the last second I blocked it
with my arm. He could've killed me. As it is, I may have to have my arm
amputated--albeit voluntarily, you know, for the sympathy, to pick up
chicks, man. All chicks dig a one-armed artist. Anyway, good thing I had
training back in elementary school. I barely remember math, but you never
forget how to block a spitball."
Russian Presidential press secretary Alexei Gromov said it was impossible
his boss was in any way involved.
"No way," Gromov said dismissively. "You kidding me? Vlad's a former KGB
guy. Let me tell you something--the KGB doesn't miss. If he hadn't knocked
him off with a spitball, he'd have climbed in and finished him off with
an icepick. No--if it was anyone it's one of the other guys. I mean, look
at them--Murdoch, Mugabe, Kim, Zemin--they're a bunch of sissies. And
have you ever checked out their glasses? They're as thick as Siberian
ice. You have to wonder if they can see anything at all. Now, those guys,
had they hit the target with a piano, it'd have been a miracle."
On his way back to recovery and undeterred in his quest to defend democracies
around the globe, Du Toit vows never to quit TheShortStraw.
"I'll never quit," Du Toit said. "I don't care about the danger. They
don't scare me. I'm short, but rugged. And it's not really anything about
freedom of speech either, or defending democracy. The truth is, I'm a
materialistic guy, I like the good things in life: cars, clothes, restaurants,
you name it. I don't drive a fancy blue pick-up truck for nothing. Man,
it's the lifestyle--the lifestyle, the money, the hot chicks. I get treated
like a rock star everywhere I go. That's how it is at the Straw,
man. I get to travel the whole world, or at least from my house to the
grocery store, and my salary is way too good. If I want, I can buy a bologna
sandwich anytime, and, man, you can't spit on thatů"
Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw