CHELSEA OWNER PURSUES ACCOUNTANT FOR MIDFIELD
Price no factor, says Roman Abramovich
LONDON (TheShortStraw.com)-In a highly unusual move, Roman Abramovich,
Russian billionaire owner of the Chelsea Football Club, has attempted
to sign a man he saw randomly crossing a London street.
Since taking control of the club, Abramovich has spent more than $520m
on new acquisitions.
This is the first time, however, that not only is the potential signing
not a football star, but he isn't a football player at all.
Five-foot-two (157cm), weighing 231 pounds (105 kgs), and 47 years old,
Tom Hodgins, the accountant Abramovich covets, fits hardly the description
of a sportsman--with the possible exception of a golfer--let alone a football
"That's not exactly true," Hodgins insists. "As a boy I played striker
once or twice, and wasn't half bad. It's just recently that my weight
has inched up a tad."
This was, however, contradicted by several former schoolmates, including
James Earle, himself a Chelsea fan.
"He was already pudgy as a kid. And I don't think he even knows what a
football looks like, let alone how to kick one," Earle said. "He's just
been lucky all his life. What's wrong with me? I'm also a crap football
player, but at least I'm fit and I won't confuse a football with a tennis
In any case, Ambramovich insists he shall not be thwarted in his efforts.
"I know a great player when I see one," Ambramovich said. "He just needs
some training. Who doesn't? I see him playing midfield, maybe striker."
Chelsea Assistant Manager, Steve Clarke, says he's tried to talk some
sense into Abramovich, but the Russian won't listen.
"He thinks not only that he can buy anything he wants, but that large
amounts of money will improve his purchases. Well…he's the owner so I
guess he can do whatever he wants."
Presently, Hodgins has been offered $7m for a two-year contract, but the
accountant is holding out for more money.
"If he wanted someone cheap, he should've gone for a painter or a musician…those
guys have no sense of money. I'm an accountant. I know what I'm worth."
Should an agreement be reached, Hodgings could be on the field as early
as two weeks, says Abramovich.
At the news, several die-hard Chelsea fans were reportedly rushed to emergency
rooms with chest pains and shortness of breath.
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