I just want put an end to all the…rumors, Dr. Phil says

CHICAGO, ILL ( cat's out of the bag. After months of rumors, Dr. Phil at last tearfully admitted on his show yesterday to having been a woman.

The show, about dyke builders in the Netherlands, took an abrupt turn when Dr Phil suddenly started crying.

At first, the audience thought Dr. Phil was crying along with Kaatje Brinkerhoff when she described the trying life of a dyke builder.

But then, wiping away the tears, handkerchief in hand, Dr. Phil stood up and said: "I just want to say, it's been a trying year for me and my family, and I…want to put an end to all the…rumors, which, in fact, aren't rumors at all. I…I…can't live with the secret anymore. It's eating me up. Yes-dammit--I was once a woman. And I'm proud of it."

The announcement was unexpected; pandemonium ensued. Gasps were heard throughout the mostly female audience and several passed out.

Paramedics could be heard rushing about, barking out instructions.

As if that were not enough excitement, Ms. Brinkerhoff punched Dr. Phil on the back of the head and stormed out, screaming, "I've been humiliated. The show was supposed to be about me! I am the dyke builder-not him!"

Getting back up, Dr. Phil tried to laugh it off, rolling his eyes, and saying, "Women. I should know."

Oprah, who had brought Dr. Phil fame and fortune, later freely revealed how, in fact, she had discovered him.

"It was in a strip club. Dr. Phil--or Dr. Phillipa as he was known then--was doing a lap dance on a friend of mine when the chair broke and her blonde wig fell off revealing a head as bald as a baby's bottom. I thought, wow, and I thought I had troubles. We became close. I helped Phillipa--Phil--through the operation and as a man he was, understandably, so in touch with how women think, that I thought, why not bring him on my show? Did I think he'd become so popular? Of course not, but I am so proud of her--I mean, him."

Oprah then added: "Oh, and before any rumors start about comment."

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


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