“Mel, please stick to Scottish themes,” Christ pleads

VATICAN CITY, THE VATICAN ( Heldegund, our Vatican correspondent, discovered that a direct phone line existed between the Pope and Jesus Christ. Before this discovery, with the Pope hardly mobile, in his spare time Heldegund investigated the Mafia. A week before the interview date, Heldegund disappeared in Sicily, leaving behind in his hotel room a half-eaten banana, a pair of mismatched socks, and a list of questions for Christ. The Italian police suspect the Vatican, the Mafia and themselves. Our nearest correspondent was Libby Van Nutter, normally based in London, but at the time vacationing in Milan. Van Nutter, although our cuisine, fashion and entertainment editor, jumped at the chance to interview Christ. She promised to stick to Heldegund’s script, but said she’d throw in a few curveballs of her own. Christ’s identity was immediately verified with a few questions, such as who killed Kennedy, which only He could have known.

Van Nutter, flustered: “Do I call you Mr Christ? Our Lord?”
JC: “Please, Libby, call me JC. I want to show the folks out there that I am hip and with the times, and that I am accessible.”
Van Nutter: “Fine, then…JC. Thank you for granting this exclusive interview to TheShortStraw.”
JC: “My pleasure. I would have preferred 60 Minutes, to be honest—greater exposure. But you were the only ones to call.”
Van Nutter: “I see. Well…I’d like to get your comments, first of all, on the new
Mel Gibson movie.”
JC: “Libby, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say this: the last thing the world needs is another ‘Jesus’ movie. That’s the first thing. Then there is the trouble of the story. You see, the New Testament was written after I’d died. I didn’t know any of the writers. It was all hearsay and word of mouth. And the movie is based on that. Finally, I thought Gibson showed great promise with Braveheart, but since then nothing, and now this. Kind of like Kevin Costner. Dances With Wolves, wow, what a movie, but since then? May I be honest?”
Van Nutter: “Of course.”
JC: “I prefer action flicks with a little skin and good sci-fi. And I love a good comedy.”
Van Nutter, flirtatiously: “Oh, JC, really? My, that is surprising. A little skin? My, my. Which sci-fi, The Matrix?”
JC: “Blade Runner.”
Van Nutter: “Of course. But let me come back to the ‘Jesus’ movies, as you put it. Is there, in your opinion, a definitive ‘Jesus’ movie?”
JC: “Well, not really. I liked ‘Jesus of Montreal’ quite a bit, but I’ve always been partial to ‘Life of Brian.’”
Van Nutter: “Some thought ‘Life of Brian’ a bit heretical.”
JC: “I thought it hysterical.”
Van Nutter: “ Now for something a little different—what’s your favorite dish?”
JC: “Presently, I like Charlize Theron. Wow.”
Van Nutter: “I meant foodwise, Mr Christ.”
JC: “JC, please. Ah, yes, of course. I’ve always been a sucker for a leg of lamb. Plus the usual Mediterranean cuisine. A bit heavy, but great.”
Van Nutter: “Yes, leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce. Now, how do you see the current state of affairs in the world, say, since 9/11?”
JC: “No comment.”
Van Nutter: “I see. Can I take that to mean you may be planning a 2nd Coming?”
JC: “Not if I can help it.”
Van Nutter: “I don’t blame you. Is that because of the current state of affairs?”
JC: “Let me put it this way: I felt a bit mistreated and misunderstood the last time. And I don’t see a great improvement in humanity. Do you?”
Van Nutter: “No comment.”
JC: “Touché. Ok, so, is this the time I let you know who killed Kennedy?”
Van Nutter: “Nah, I think neither I nor our readers would be interested in that. Rather, give me your thoughts on Marc Jacobs.”
JC: “The Louis Vuitton designer?”
Van Nutter: “That’s right.”
JC: “Oh, he’s the real deal alright. No question. Love his stuff. Look at the Murakami bag, for example. What can you say about that? Wow.”
Van Nutter: “I couldn’t agree with you more. On to other matters. You may have heard about President Bush appointing a Breast Commission. What are your thoughts?”
JC, bemused: “Will there be action with that?”
Van Nutter: “Ah. Ok, I get it. Good one. Now, what do you make of Christianity having become such a huge religion? Did you plan it like that?”
JC: “Not at all. You know, I saw myself as an orator. Sort of stating the obvious. And then people started to follow me, and more people, and then it got kind of out of hand, just like in ‘Life of Brian.’ It’s a bit overwhelming. A lot of responsibility, to be honest.”
Van Nutter: “If you had to do it all over again, would you do things differently?”
JC: “I may have stuck to carpentry.”
Van Nutter: “And what final words do you have for our audience?”
JC: “People should just be kinder to one another. And Mel, please, stick to Scottish themes.”

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw


TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.

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