JUDGED BY DIFFERENT STANDARDS, BUSH "WINS" DEBATE
Kerry complains of unfair criteria
ST. LOUIS, MO (TheShortStraw.com)-Most political analysts declared a statistical
tie in last night's tightly contested presidential debate, but President
Bush the psychological "winner."
That was because, for the first time in more than four years, the President
uttered a few sentences that nearly made sense and, even more surprisingly,
had at least some resemblance to grammatical rules.
John Kerry's team immediately protested, saying the criteria for the two
contenders was unfair.
"If President Bush utters a sentence that one can make any sense of, and
that has some semblance of grammar, no matter how outlandish, everyone
is so surprised they clap and cheer," said Mary Beth Cahill, John Kerry's
campaign manager. "It's like the slowest kid in school, everyone's given
up on him. So when one day he gets 20% on a test on which normally he
gets nothing right, everyone--his peers, the teacher--is incredibly surprised
and cheers him on. But if the smartest kid in the class gets 80% when
he normally aces it, everyone's disappointed. And that's the situation
we're presently in."
"Fair, unfair, that's the way it is, " said William Schneider, CNN's senior
political analyst. "If a mentally challenged fellow gets through a comic
book and has some idea of what it's about, we all cheer for the guy. It's
just that in this case, the fellow happens to be the President of the
The sentences in the middle of the controversy came in response to a question
about a report released this week re-iterating no evidence of weapons
of mass destruction.
The President responded: "I wasn't happy when we found out there wasn't
no weapons. But Saddam Hussein was a threat; he'd shoot a rifle from the
terrace of his palace. And everyone knows you shouldn't shoot no rifle
in public like that. That's real dangerous. So--where was I?--the world's
better off without him in power, I figure. And my opponent's plans leads
me to conclude that Saddam Hussein would still be in power, and holding
that rifle, and the world sure would be more dangerous."
The President's response was met with several moments of incredulous silence,
then the crowd erupted into a 5-minute standing ovation.
Several Bush supporters yelled, "Encore, encore," and the President, seemingly
as surprised as anyone, pumped his hands over his head like a gold medallist.
Emboldened by the response, he continued: "And if a rifle ain't no weapon
of mass de"--
However, before the President could ruin his previous statement, the mediator,
ABC's Charles Gibson, cut him short: "Mr. President, with respect, I think
you should quit while you're ahead on this one. Next question."
The President nodded.
Possibly enhancing Cahill's allegations, the next questionnaire, a plump
woman identifying herself as Janet, a cashier from Bonne Terre, a small
town in Missouri, said: "I have two questions. Senator Kerry, what do
you make of Hobbes' position on Fate vs. Free will and how does it differ
from yours? And President Bush, what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?"
Senator Kerry responded: "Well, Janet, I'm glad you asked that question.
It's been a long time since I read Hobbes' position, but if I'm not mistaken,
Hobbes states that man wants to do some things but not others. The last
decision is called will. He deliberates and then acts. My position isn't
dissimilar to his in this matter."
Kerry's response was met with silence, but this time no applause. Even
Mr Gibson was shaking his head.
Then answered President Bush: "Janet, I know you agree with me when I
says Senator Kerry's opinion's a bit wishy-washy." Again, the town hall
erupted into wild applause. "And, my favorite flavor? Let me answer you
honestly and decisively: Ben and Jerry's Chubby Bubbly…Dubbly Hubby…heck,
Janet, you know what I mean."
The wild applause turned into cries of "encore, encore," and "bravo."
A few roses even fell at the President's feet. He picked one up, smelled
it and blew the audience a kiss.
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