Call me Jesus W.-- the President

WASHINGTON, DC ( a most extraordinary development, on Meet the Press last Sunday, President Bush explained further his claim of being the Second Coming of Christ.

The following is taken from an actual interview with the President: NBC, "Meet the Press," Transcript for December 5, 2004.

MR. TIM RUSSERT: Our issue this Sunday: in light of his re-election, the President insists he is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. In a rare Sunday morning interview--with us for the full hour, the President of the United States, George W. Bush.

Mr. President, welcome to MEET THE PRESS.

PRES. BUSH: Good morning, Tim. But, Tim, I already told you, it's President Christ from now on.


PRES. BUSH: You don't believe me? That I'm Jesus? I mean, think about it. Just too many coincidences. Second Coming, second election. I also have apostles: Rumsfeld, Rice, etc. I have disciples in the Congress. And the way I've stuffed everything up, from the economy to Iraq, and still got re-elected. I mean, if that's not a miracle, what is?

MR. RUSSERT: That's true, I guess, sir. But why not start by crowning yourself king or emperor, the old fashioned way?

PRES. BUSH: I'm a down to earth kind of guy, Tim. You know that. So, all the pomp and circumstance ain't my thing. I'm more into tennis shoes and jeans--the modern version of sandals and robes--on the ranch, that sort of thing. I'm more into divinity. You see, the way I reckon, when we kicked Saddam's ass, I knew that God was on our side. That our God was the right God. That's the way it's always been and will always be. So, if our God is the right God, and I am the most powerful man on earth, then it figures I'm the son of God. Besides, emperor's fiddle while empires burn.

MR. RUSSERT: And the point being?

PRES. BUSH: What do you mean? Which part did you not understand? Or...let me're not convinced that I am the son of God? Well, you're not the only one, I know. There's been talk. People doubting, cynics, stuff like that. That's the world we live in. Although it was like that with the first Jesus, too. Well, how can I prove it to you? How about a miracle? Would that do?

MR. RUSSERT: It might help…sir…if it's not too much trouble…

PRES. BUSH: What's that you're drinking, Tim, coffee?

MR. RUSSERT: Yes, why?

PRES. BUSH: Give it to me. Okay, now try it. What's it taste like now?

MR. RUSSERT: Uh…coffee?

PRES. BUSH: Idiot. Can't you tell the difference between coffee and wine?

MR. RUSSERT: Normally I can.

PRES. BUSH: You should get your taste buds examined.

MR. RUSSERT: Yes, sir, I will.

PRES. BUSH: That's the trouble these days, you perform a miracle and people are just too blasť. What do you want, explosions? Fireworks?

MR. RUSSERT: I'm sorry sir.

PRES. BUSH: You see, that's the same trouble the first JC had, too many nonbelievers, doubters, sinners surrounding him.

MR. RUSSERT: Yes, sir.

PRES. BUSH: Give me your feet.


PRES. BUSH: I said, give me your feet. Let me wash them.

MR. RUSSERT: Sir? I washed them this morning. They're clean.

PRES. BUSH: You're really not making my life any easier, Tim. The first Christ also had many detractors.

MR. RUSSERT: I am sorry, sir. But I really scrubbed them pretty hard this morning.

PRES. BUSH: Suit yourself.

MR. RUSSERT: Sir, maybe you could perform another miracle? I mean, something else other than washing my feet. To convince our audience--uh, that is, the 49% that didn't vote for you?

PRES. BUSH: Sure. You got any dead people around here? A leper colony maybe?

MR. RUSSERT: Here? Sir? Like, you mean, in the studio? Not as far as I know.

PRES. BUSH: How do you expect me to perform miracles when you don't have any cadavers or lepers around. Well, that's already a miracle in itself, isn't it?

MR. RUSSERT: Well, sir, yes, I suppose in a way it is.

PRES. BUSH: You know what, I have an idea. Let me cast the devil out of you.

MR. RUSSERT: Sir? Look, I'm feeling pretty good, peaceful. No devil inside me.

PRES. BUSH: That's what you think. You think you're feeling ok. That's the devil talking. Let me smack you around a bit, punch you in the gut, kick you in the balls, try to twist your head 360 degrees, see if you start speaking in tongues.

MR. RUSSERT: Really sir, I'm feeling good. I think you've seen too many movies. No devil inside me. With all due respect, I think I'd know if I had the devil inside me. Sir.

PRES. BUSH: How would you know? Got any holy water around here?

MR. RUSSERT: Sir, please. You know what? I have a better idea: let me smack you really hard and see if you turn the other cheek.

PRES. BUSH: You do that and I'll kick your ass. Oh, nevermind. Jesus Christ. Mmm…feels weird calling my own name. You try it.

MR. RUSSERT: Sir? Jesus Christ?

PRES. BUSH: No, silly, your own name. Say, Tim Russert.

MR. RUSSERT: Uh ok. Tim Russert.

PRES. BUSH: See what I mean? Weird, right?

MR. RUSSERT: Uh, yes sir, I guess it is.

PRES. BUSH: First thing I'll do is outlaw people using my name in vain.


PRES. BUSH: Don't worry. You're still ok. No law yet. Of course, even when there is one, I'll still be able to say my own name if I want to. See?

MR. RUSSERT: Yes, sir, I think so.

PRES. BUSH: Well, I guess that settles it, Tim. You can clearly see I'm the Lord. So, please call me Jesus W. from now on. Or President Christ.

MR. RUSSERT: Do I have to?

PRES. BUSH: You do want me to come back on the show, right Tim?

MR. RUSSERT: I see…may I just say that I hope some day you can come back and we'll have a full discussion on the economy…Jesus W?

PRES. BUSH: Well, I hope so, too, Tim. Just feel better knowing the economy's in the hands of the Lord.

MR. RUSSERT: Yes, I think…I…do feel better. Suddenly. Thank you very much, sir, for…sharing your views.

PRES. BUSH: No, Tim, thank you.

MR. RUSSERT: And we'll be right back.


MR. RUSSERT: If it's Sunday, it's MEET THE PRESS. God help us all.

Copyright © 2004, TheShortStraw



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