GLAZER ANNOUNCES CHANGES AT MANCHESTER UNITED
Club to be "new and improved"
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND (TheShortStraw.com)--New American owner Malcolm
Glazer said his Manchester United football club will change, "But
for the better. Fans need not worry. Everything will be new and
The words barely spoken, Manchester United announced the appointment
of his sons Joel, Avram and Bryan as new non-executive directors of
His other son Kevin will serve as President. All titles having been
taken, son Ed will serve as The Big Cheese.
Sources within the Glazer camp report that vocal fights broke out
amongst the brothers when Malcolm announced that Ed would be The Big
Kevin Glazer clarified Ed's position. "His title will be The Big Cheese,
that's what it's gonna say on his business cards, but let me make
something absolutely clear--it will be nothing fancy, no Gouda or
Emmental, more like sliced cheddar, pasteurized. Cause dad's the real
Big Cheese, and I'm the President, so I'm also pretty Big Cheese.
So, if Ed's sliced cheddar, say, then that makes dad, and to a lesser
extent me, uh, like a real fancy brie, I guess, but one that doesn't
smell too strong."
Glazer's wife, Linda, will replace Sir Alex Ferguson as the new head
Addressing her lack of experience, Linda Glazer said: "I don't see
it as a problem, but rather more of a challenge. I've always been
comfortable around young men, especially young fit men in tight shirts
and shorts. I know how to motivate them. It's a matter of camaraderie.
For example, if I have to take showers with them after games, I'm
willing to go that far to make this club a success."
Other changes include the use of cheerleaders, uniforms, club and
stadium names and shape of ball.
Joel Glazer explained enthusiastically: "We're gonna have cheerleaders
like we do at (the American football team) Tampa Bay. Baby, that's
always a real crowd pleaser. We're gonna change the uniforms to look
more like Tampa Bay's, too. More fancy, different colors. Gold, shiny.
Maybe put some padding on the shoulders, too, make the boys look a
bit meaner, you know the drill. Also, the ball--it's too round. We're
thinking of making it something between a soccer ball and a rugby
ball, and letting the guys use their hands. Oh, and a goal will now
be known as a touchdown. We're also thinking of calling the club Manchester
Pirates, something like that, and re-naming Old Trafford, Nokia New
and Improved Trafford, get some money from Nokia or someone like
that. Who wants to be known as 'Old Trafford?' You know what
I mean? Everything here's gonna be 'new and improved.' You
Fans' groups, such as Shareholders United, have been up in arms well
before the takeover and their anger has hardly abated.
Shareholders United chair Nick Towle told BBC Radio Five Live: "Where
did this family come from? I thought such people only existed
on Jerry Springer. It's an outrage. They look so--what's that American
term?--goofy, the whole bloody family. They're always smiling
like imbeciles. Blank look in the eyes. Ok, the cheerleaders might
not be such a bad idea, and maybe bringing in Nokia to sponsor the
stadium, but as for the rest, it's all a bunch of rubbish, mate."
The announcement came as chairman Sir Roy Gardner resigned on 6 June,
as did non-executive directors Ian Much and Jim O'Neill.
"This club is steeped in tradition," Gardner said. "I will not be
part of the cheapening of this club."
However, Gardner's resignation seems to have other causes, for he
was overheard saying: "If I can't be The Big Cheese, I'm
Time will tell how the saga turns out. For now, all Captain Roy Keane will say on the matter: "At least the
showers will be a lot more fun."
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