CALIFORNIA TO BE TURNED INTO JACK NICKLAUS SIGNATURE GOLF
Schwarzenegger unveils controversial changes
SACRAMENTO, CA (TheShortStraw.com)--In a stroke of genius or a bolt
of idiocy--depending on which side of the divide one rests--Governor
Arnold Schwarzenegger declared the State of California a golfing estate.
"With the popularity of golfing estates rising worldwide, we thought,
why not make the entire state a golfing estate?" said a beaming Schwarzenegger.
"Initially, I thought, why not make the state one huge gym, but that
wasn't feasible. This way, as a golfing estate, it will resolve our
fiscal difficulties. Also, we have a large and growing minority population
which will make wonderful groundskeepers and caddies, easing unemployment."
The Estate of California™ Country Club, as the state/estate
will be known, will boast executive homes priced between $950,000
and $40,500,000. All properties below the $950,000 mark will be razed
and respective owners politely asked to relocate to a more "appropriate
state, such as Tennessee or West Virginia."
Anyone not leaving voluntarily will be deported to Bolivia.
According to a newly printed brochure handed out by the Governor,
"with thousands of distinct neighborhoods, Estate of California™
will be a mix of home styles and price ranges that accommodate
various luxurious and ostentatious lifestyles and preferences."
Deflecting criticism that people who live on golfing estates are snobs
and evade reality, Jason Peabody III, a resident of SugarWood Golfing
Estate in North Carolina, said: "We're ordinary people like anyone
else, except that we have tons of money and love golf. Look at me,
I love people--as long as they're of a lighter persuasion and obscenely
wealthy. I wake up, and I see my neighbor Edward--the CEO of Remington
Pantyhose Company, a very important guy, rich as hell--playing nine
rounds. He waves and smiles at me. That's real Life, man. I mean,
my front yard is the golf course. Everything is so green. It's like
being in the Amazon without the jungle and the nasty parasites and
leeches and mosquitoes and filthy Indians. No, my friend--what we
have is the real paradise on Earth. What's wrong with that? I'm a
firm believer in Tiger Wood's quote: 'Ask not what you can do for
a golf course, but what a golf course can do for you.' Or, uh--is
it, 'one small step for golf, a giant leap for golfers?' Well, whatever,
we like it here."
on the idea further, the Governor demonstrated his stroke by teeing
off and accidentally hitting one of his aides in the back of the head with a golf ball. The aide lay slumped on the ground. Unfazed, the Governor said:
"Get up you gypsy dog…you wouldn't last a day in the SS…if my
father could see you now…the Russians shot him in the back of the
head, you know, not once but three times from point blank range and
still he fought on bravely, took out a whole battalion of the Slavic
bastards…and we all know one Austrian is worth three Germans and a
hundred Slavs…ah, well, that was a mathematical error if I'd ever
seen one…anyway, he fought on bravely until some old Jewish granny
hit him on the back of the head with a frying pan at Stalingrad…damn
Jews, never fight clean, look at the Warsaw Ghetto, they couldn't
just lie down and die quietly…oh, noooo….uh, sorry…I digress…hey,
what's all the uproar about, me being a bit frank today? I know what
you're thinking, he's just sunk his political chances…goes to show
you what journalists know…in this country they'd elect a gerbil if
they'd seen it on TV…that's why I love this place! Where else could
a bozo like me be elected to public office? But back to the Estate
of California™"--the governor continued affably, smiling--"there
will be many business parks within the estate, making it possible
for families to work close to home and then golf in the afternoons
or evenings. In an age where parents spend little time with their
kids, now they will be able to play golf together. And studies show
that families that play golf together, stay together. In addition,
there'll be world class venues in luxurious surroundings ideal for
hosting conferences on poverty alleviation, social and economic inequality, life-threatening diseases,
water shortages, environmental degradation and other global issues
facing the world today."
The golf course will cross the entire state, comprising several thousand
holes, the first of its kind.
Assistant to the Governor, David Wetmore, added: "Of course, it will
be impossible to play the entire state in one go unless you fly between
holes in your private plane, so people without planes will be able
to do it in spurts of 9 or 18 holes."
Addressing concerns about excessive water usage, Wetmore said that
studies by conservative think tanks show poor people, on average,
consume and waste more water than the wealthy. With quite a few of
the problem residents now relocating to other states, the water shortage
will work itself out.
"In fact, we expect a water surplus," Wetmore said. "Still, I feel your concern.
Let me just state this for the record: rest assured--there'll be plenty of water for the
Jack Nicklaus, whose approval stamps the course, said by telephone:
"The world would be a wonderful place if all of it were one big golf
course. That's our aim, and we're heading that way pretty quickly."
"Should, by some miracle, any of the relocated families become wealthy
enough in the future, they, of course, will be welcome back," Schwarzenegger
Jose Ramirez, a California native said, "Mark Twain said golf
is a good walk spoiled." Then, mimicking the Terminator, "And
as far as the Governor welcoming us back, oh, sure, I'll be back…as
a caddie. A caddie with a frying pan."
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