Schwarzenegger unveils controversial changes

SACRAMENTO, CA ( a stroke of genius or a bolt of idiocy--depending on which side of the divide one rests--Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared the State of California a golfing estate.

"With the popularity of golfing estates rising worldwide, we thought, why not make the entire state a golfing estate?" said a beaming Schwarzenegger. "Initially, I thought, why not make the state one huge gym, but that wasn't feasible. This way, as a golfing estate, it will resolve our fiscal difficulties. Also, we have a large and growing minority population which will make wonderful groundskeepers and caddies, easing unemployment."

The Estate of California™ Country Club, as the state/estate will be known, will boast executive homes priced between $950,000 and $40,500,000. All properties below the $950,000 mark will be razed and respective owners politely asked to relocate to a more "appropriate state, such as Tennessee or West Virginia."

Anyone not leaving voluntarily will be deported to Bolivia.

According to a newly printed brochure handed out by the Governor, "with thousands of distinct neighborhoods, Estate of California™ will be a mix of home styles and price ranges that accommodate various luxurious and ostentatious lifestyles and preferences."

Deflecting criticism that people who live on golfing estates are snobs and evade reality, Jason Peabody III, a resident of SugarWood Golfing Estate in North Carolina, said: "We're ordinary people like anyone else, except that we have tons of money and love golf. Look at me, I love people--as long as they're of a lighter persuasion and obscenely wealthy. I wake up, and I see my neighbor Edward--the CEO of Remington Pantyhose Company, a very important guy, rich as hell--playing nine rounds. He waves and smiles at me. That's real Life, man. I mean, my front yard is the golf course. Everything is so green. It's like being in the Amazon without the jungle and the nasty parasites and leeches and mosquitoes and filthy Indians. No, my friend--what we have is the real paradise on Earth. What's wrong with that? I'm a firm believer in Tiger Wood's quote: 'Ask not what you can do for a golf course, but what a golf course can do for you.' Or, uh--is it, 'one small step for golf, a giant leap for golfers?' Well, whatever, we like it here."

Expanding on the idea further, the Governor demonstrated his stroke by teeing off and accidentally hitting one of his aides in the back of the head with a golf ball. The aide lay slumped on the ground. Unfazed, the Governor said: "Get up you gypsy dog…you wouldn't last a day in the SS…if my father could see you now…the Russians shot him in the back of the head, you know, not once but three times from point blank range and still he fought on bravely, took out a whole battalion of the Slavic bastards…and we all know one Austrian is worth three Germans and a hundred Slavs…ah, well, that was a mathematical error if I'd ever seen one…anyway, he fought on bravely until some old Jewish granny hit him on the back of the head with a frying pan at Stalingrad…damn Jews, never fight clean, look at the Warsaw Ghetto, they couldn't just lie down and die quietly…oh, noooo….uh, sorry…I digress…hey, what's all the uproar about, me being a bit frank today? I know what you're thinking, he's just sunk his political chances…goes to show you what journalists know…in this country they'd elect a gerbil if they'd seen it on TV…that's why I love this place! Where else could a bozo like me be elected to public office? But back to the Estate of California™"--the governor continued affably, smiling--"there will be many business parks within the estate, making it possible for families to work close to home and then golf in the afternoons or evenings. In an age where parents spend little time with their kids, now they will be able to play golf together. And studies show that families that play golf together, stay together. In addition, there'll be world class venues in luxurious surroundings ideal for hosting conferences on poverty alleviation, social and economic inequality, life-threatening diseases, water shortages, environmental degradation and other global issues facing the world today."

The golf course will cross the entire state, comprising several thousand holes, the first of its kind.

Assistant to the Governor, David Wetmore, added: "Of course, it will be impossible to play the entire state in one go unless you fly between holes in your private plane, so people without planes will be able to do it in spurts of 9 or 18 holes."

Addressing concerns about excessive water usage, Wetmore said that studies by conservative think tanks show poor people, on average, consume and waste more water than the wealthy. With quite a few of the problem residents now relocating to other states, the water shortage will work itself out.

"In fact, we expect a water surplus," Wetmore said. "Still, I feel your concern. Let me just state this for the record: rest assured--there'll be plenty of water for the greens."

Jack Nicklaus, whose approval stamps the course, said by telephone: "The world would be a wonderful place if all of it were one big golf course. That's our aim, and we're heading that way pretty quickly."

"Should, by some miracle, any of the relocated families become wealthy enough in the future, they, of course, will be welcome back," Schwarzenegger said.

Jose Ramirez, a California native said, "Mark Twain said golf is a good walk spoiled." Then, mimicking the Terminator, "And as far as the Governor welcoming us back, oh, sure, I'll be back…as a caddie. A caddie with a frying pan."

Copyright © 2005, TheShortStraw



TheShortStraw is intended for use by those age 18 and older. All stories are fictional and satirical and should not in any way be construed as fact. All contents Copyright © 2004-2005, TheShortStraw. All rights reserved.



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