Washington, DC (TheShortStraw.com)—Mamoudou Gassama, an illegal immigrant from Mali, didn’t look particularly pleased, sitting across from the French President, Emmanuel Macron, at the Elysee Palace. After climbing four stories to save a small child clinging to the ledge of a balcony a day earlier, now he was being told by the French President that his citizenship application might be sped up. But, dejected, he told the press corps upon leaving Elysee Palace: “If this is what it takes to become a citizen of France, he (Macron) can stick it up his a–. He didn’t even give me citizenship. He said it might be fast-tracked. And I got a medal. Big f—— deal.”
During the meeting, Macron had gone further and said Gassama, 22, could join the emergency services and climb buildings every day. Gassama replied: “I told him to go f— himself, that he can climb buildings every day. I want his job. Who does he think he is? Connard. He barely does anything all day except mess France up and he wants me to endanger my life. Honnêtement, I think he was jealous. His wife kept giving me the eye. Everybody knows that French women prefer black men, bien sûr.”
Macron vehemently denied the assertion, saying his wife had eyes only for him. His wife, Brigitte, could not be reached for comment, but was spotted later that evening at a fashionable Congolese nightclub in the eighth arrondissement.
Within hours, President Trump announced the new US immigration policy. “Anyone that can climb the Trump Tower will have his or her citizenship fast-tracked and be given a job with the New York Fire Department.”
Not a day later, forty-two Hondurans and twenty-six Guatemalans had fallen to their deaths. “That’s beautiful,” said Trump. “Best policy ever, believe me. Everybody knows. A for effort.”
In response, Gassama said, “Trump peut aller se faire foutre.” He declined to give a translation. Gassama added: “I did it because it was a child. Had it been Trump or Macron, I’d still have climbed up, but only to push them off the ledge.”
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