Washington, DC (TheShortStraw.com)—In an interview on Fox and Friends, President Trump let loose on a wide range of topics from banana republics to Stormy Daniels to Mike Pompeo. As Chief Executive, Trump admitted that his one goal is to do what any Chief Executive of any corporation does: enrich himself and the shareholders, in this case the other wealthiest individuals, euphemistically referred to as the 1%.
“The people wanted a Chief Executive Officer, not a Chief Executive.” Trump said. “That’s what the tax reform was all about. We took a trillion dollars from the middle class and poor and gave it to the billionaires. And nobody said a word. This was the biggest and most beautiful theft in history. And, I’m just getting started. Wait till you see what I plan to do to health care, social security, education. And the Postal Services. It’s going to be beautiful. Believe me.”
Trump said his intention was to turn the United States into a banana republic, but not just any banana republic. “We’re going to sell more, better bananas than any banana republic in history.” When explained the meaning of banana republic, he said, “I know what a banana republic is. A dictatorship with a buffoon in charge stealing from the state coffers. Well, I tell you, I am going to be the greatest banana republic buffoon, ever. In fact, I already am. Baby Doc, Idi Amin–they were nothing. I am the biggest buffoon of all time, believe me.”
Then the President turned his attention to Stormy Daniels. He said she was by no means the most expensive woman he’d ever slept with—excluding his wives–and possibly the worst in bed. “I paid that woman $130,000 for fifteen minutes. When I sleep with women, I make sure I pay more than anyone ever in history.” The President was reminded that on the Howard Stern Show, he had said women were attracted to him because of his looks. “Well, OK, maybe it is the money,” he conceded. “Maybe if I were a garbage collector, maybe I’d not have slept with Stormy Daniels.” When asked by Ainsley Earhardt of Fox and Friends if maybe Stormy Daniels was the garbage collector, the President said, “I don’t know what you mean.”
The interview suddenly switched to the most recent controversy of the presidency: a one-hour long unscheduled meeting behind closed doors between Mike Pompeo and Kim Jong-un. Steve Doocy of Fox and Friends referred to a CNN story that Trump’s personal lawyer had to pay Kim Jong-un $150,000 to hush him up.
“Firstly,” said the President, “it was $175,000, and it was forty minutes, not an hour, and Mike says it was worth every penny. I believe him. Good guy, Mike Pompeo. He couldn’t walk for three days afterwards. Now, that’s what I call denuclearization. I think Mike might have fallen in love with Kim Young One, you know. I think it’s the haircut, he has a very good hairdresser, Kim Young One. Not the best, that’s my hairdresser, but very good, believe me.” When the North Korean leader’s name was pronounced correctly for the President, he replied: “That’s what I said. Kim Young One.”
Brian Kilmeade asked Trump why Republicans support him in spite of behavior that long ago would have brought down any Democrat. “I could have run for any party. I chose the Republicans because they are the biggest hypocrites around. The biggest. Believe me. Everybody knows. Party of family values, my a–. You can do anything, sleep with other women when your wife just gave birth, pay for sex, collude with foreign powers, enrich yourself, I mean—anything!—and they still support you. See—bigger banana republic than any banana republic in history.”
Asked the goals of his presidency, Trump replied: “The best, biggest depression we’ve ever had, ever. The most beautiful. Won’t take long, believe me. The way we are deregulating the banks, it’s beautiful. When the banks destroy the economy again, and it’s a matter of time, then we can bail out the banks again with taxpayers’ money–more from the poor and middle class–why do you think I am starting with tariffs? Easiest way to start a depression. Because during a crisis that’s when I make the biggest money—all my friends, we just make so much money. After 2008, we raked it in, it was beautiful. We have to transfer more money from the poor and middle class to the richest people, much more. And do it much faster. And there are so many ways of doing it, so many, believe me. Everybody knows. Well, not everybody, but the rich, they know. Also, on a personal front, I, and I know people are disappointed in me, and I admit it, next time, Stormy Daniels, I don’t know, I have to get a better deal, something like $120,000 for twenty minutes, that sort of thing, you know. I didn’t come up on top with that deal, she’s a very very good negotiator, that’s how it works, first you negotiate the price, then you sleep together. She’s a very good business woman, but I can get a much, much better deal. The best. I hear that Mike Pence only paid $95,000 for twenty-five minutes. Good old Mike, he’s not the best, I am, but I think on that deal he did fine. A good guy, Mike. Won’t be seen with another woman but his wife in public. But he’s a good negotiator behind closed doors. And he knows how to storm out of football games. Stormy Mike, we call him. Really, he’s just the best stormer, believe me. My other goal is to collude with China and India, not just Russia—there’s big money in collusion, big money, believe me. I mean, look at me, a Russian agent, and nobody cares, nobody, believe me. Well, Vlad cares, he cares a lot, but nobody else.”
When asked his vision of the world after he was done with it: “You know, the few, the wealthiest, with much more money, me more than anyone, and the rest with nothing. It’s going to be beautiful, believe me. Everybody knows. There’s going to be all kinds of bananas.”
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