By Spangled Hitaku, TheShortStraw NFL Correspondent
Washington, DC (TheShortStraw.com)—President Trump finally explained his irrational anger at black players who have taken a knee during renditions of the Star-Spangled Banner during NFL games. And it has nothing to do with the military or the flag or patriotism.
“I don’t know the words,” President Trump admitted. “I just sort of mouth them. Nobody can tell, believe me. I am the best mouther of songs. The best. Ever.”
Ivanka Trump said of her father: “He’s the best karaoke singer, ever. The best. He plays the air guitar and mouths the words, silently. It’s beautiful. Nobody gets to see that side of him. What a pity, believe me.”
Still, the President explained that he had never learned the words to the national anthem, simply never saw the need. “I don’t even know what ‘spangled’ means,” he said.
Trump did say, however, that he does know one verse verbatim: the little known and little sung third verse of the national anthem. That verse includes the words: “No refuge could save the hireling and slave/From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave,/And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave/O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.”
“That verse is the best, but nobody sings it. It’s the only one I know. So I kind of sing, blah blah blah dee blah during the first verse, and then, when everybody stops and cheers for some reason, I hit the third verse big, real big. I could have been an opera singer, believe me. But everybody else is quiet. And that is what upsets me. When everybody else is singing, I’m not; and when I am singing, nobody else is. I am thinking of cutting out the first verse and just singing the third, changing the anthem. I love that part about the slaves, believe me, because that’s what capitalism is, owners and slaves who work for them. It’s beautiful. Believe me,” Trump explained.
The Republican-controlled Congress immediately passed a resolution changing the national anthem to one verse of ‘blah blah blah dee blah’, followed by the third verse only, to be sung at the first NFL game this fall.
After the resolution was passed, House Speaker Paul Ryan was seen singing ‘blah blah dee dee blah’. “Idiot,” said President Trump when he heard the news, “he can’t even remember the words. Probably why they call him ‘speaker’ and not ‘singer’.”
The NFL owners, not to be outdone, responded that they, too, will do whatever the President wants. Robert Kraft of the New England Patriots, who recently referred to his players as ‘his slaves’, said he already washes the President’s back and feet when visiting the White House, and would do much more, given half a chance.
“I love it, blah blah blah dee blah, it’s ingenious. The best anthem. Ever. Believe me. That man’s a genius. I can’t wait to wash his back again. And maybe his buttocks,” said Kraft.
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