Category: Uncategorized

I’m number one again, laments Saul Garcia NY, NY (TheShortStraw.com)-When Forbes Magazine published its poorest of the world list last week, Saul Garcia yet again found himself number one, third year running. The Mexican sharecropper said he had hoped to move down the list this year, or downright out of it, but yet again his…

It’s ruined my life, she says FALLS CITY, NE (TheShortStraw.com)-In this small town less than 90 miles from Omaha, Sue Eckert woke up one morning speaking exclusively in clichés. Dr. Howard Mayer, a psychiatrist at the local Community Medical Center, said he’d never seen or heard of a similar case. “It’s just incredible,” Dr. Mayer…

TheShortStraw editor-in-chief, Zippididoodaa*, resigns in protest SANTA FE, NM (TheShortStraw.com)-In what has been a most tumultuous week at TheShortStraw, Brian Heldegund, its legendary reporter, who only a week ago was forced to resign for having fabricated and plagiariarized many of his stories, was welcomed back by Rupert Murdoch, a majority TheShortStraw shareholder. “I couldn’t be…

Innocent flirtation turns into night of debauchery. SYDNEY, AUS. (TheShortStraw.com)-In an unprecedented case attracting worldwide attention, Tim Howard, a 26-year-old attorney from Sydney, has accused himself of rape. Howard said he went to Peter’s Bar–a local hangout he frequents several times a week–one evening last month. “It was an evening like most others,” Howard reminisced,…

At last we have something in common, says a Rabbi TEL AVIV, ISRAEL (TheShortStraw.com)-In a shocking announcement in the Sabbath Times, Rabbi Yehuda Ascherman admitted that most Orthodox Jews wear fake beards. “To be honest,” the Rabbi said, “I had no choice. My wife told me, either you shave off that damn thing, or you…

“I should have stayed at home,” he says by Rajiv Steinberg, TheShortStraw political, homeopathic and women’s shoes correspondent VIENNA, AUSTRIA (TheShortStraw.com)-Otto Kranzinger returned early from an around-the-world trip sponsored by Austrian Airlines that he had won by being the first to correctly guess the bra size–34B–of Herman Goering’s grandmother during a radio talk show contest.…

Cheney’s confession breeds panic in White House WASHINGTON, DC (TheShortStraw.com)-In light of Vice President Cheney’s confession that he wears women’s clothing– in particular thongs–and no underwear during visits of Heads of State, President Bush attempted to quell the troubled waters by offering the Vice Presidential post to legendary TheShortStraw reporter Brian Heldegund. Political analysts were…

It was a matter of ratings, says President of the World Curling Federation VICTORIA, BC (TheShortStraw.com)-One of the lesser-known winter Olympic sports, curling, which until now has been a gentleman’s game, has at last caught up with the times. Mr. Roy Sinclair, President of the World Curling Federation (WCF), said the federation had little choice…

Price no factor, says Roman Abramovich LONDON (TheShortStraw.com)-In a highly unusual move, Roman Abramovich, Russian billionaire owner of the Chelsea Football Club, has attempted to sign a man he saw randomly crossing a London street. Since taking control of the club, Abramovich has spent more than $520m on new acquisitions. This is the first time,…

Club to be “new and improved” MANCHESTER, ENGLAND (TheShortStraw.com)–New American owner Malcolm Glazer said his Manchester United football club will change, “But for the better. Fans need not worry. Everything will be new and improved.” The words barely spoken, Manchester United announced the appointment of his sons Joel, Avram and Bryan as new non-executive directors…